Monday, July 19, 2010

Life

I sometimes just have to write about life.  Some of this is recent, some is just things that come up.

My sister called me and she wants to take my gf's daughter (her daughter calls me dad now which is still odd but good at the same time) to Vacation Bible School this week in the evenings.  I didn't want to give an answer without talking to my gf first.  Her daughter is moderately autistic.  She, the daughter, doesn't understand any concepts that she can't touch or feel.  Trying to ask what she did today is even perplexing to her.  So I was okay with her going to VBS because she wouldn't understand what they are talking about but would have fun playing games, singing and eating snacks.  The gf was okay with this for much of the same reasons.  It is just being asked in the first place.  Religion is assumed and I have given plenty of hints to my family about being an atheist.  I just don't know when is the right time to come completely out of the closet so to speak.  Everyone here prays, at work or even work related optional events.  Religion is there hanging on.  Like the Bad Religion song Generator, religion is the buzz in the background that influences everything.

I want to move, I want to do something different, but I have a family and I don't want to put pressure on them.  Motivation is something that seems to be lacking from me.  I feel no urge to do anything.  I work for the sake of working.  Again I am just not motivated to do anything.  It is as if something is missing in me that helps other work hard and get ahead.  It is depressing at times.

I think back about all the times I let other people decide things for me and regret it.  I want to go back and change certain moments, but I know I would not be me then and unsure of how things would have turned out.  I am happy as to how I have turned out overall.  It is just things overwhelm and some things just have to be said.  I have been holding those things back lately and it shows at times.

I worry too much.  I worry about my relationship with my gf.  I worry if I am doing everything I can for her.  I don't want to lose her.  Everything is okay, she tells me this, but I still worry.  I worry I am not doing enough for my family, like there is so much more I should or could do, again like there is some motivation that drives people at being a better person for the family that I don't have.

I want to go back to school, but I am scared.  I am scared of the consequences for my family.  Right now we depend on my job.  I would have to lose it, probably get a part time while at school and my gf would probably have to get a job.  Then we would have to find someone to take care of the kids.  This task is so daunting to me.

I wish I could just be a better person than I am.

4 comments:

Ryk said...

I understand, I have actually been fired for being an atheist. That isn't the official reason of course. Technically I was downsized, but it was surprisingly coincidental that after months of fending of my Jehovas Witness bosses advances, I finally told him I was an atheist and was laid off within a week.

I am blessed at my new job, at least a third of the people are either atheist or agnostic. Another third or so are a variety of Christians, not particularly observant, then we have a mixed bag of Buddhists, Wiccans, and other such.

Being an atheist is not something that needs to be kept in the closet, in fact we are the cool kids. I wish every job were so easy from a religious standpoint.

alphgeek said...

I read this post a couple of times and it pricked something in me to respond. Just a general comment about some of the ways you are feeling.

I have it pretty good. A secure, happy family who I love and who love me back. A career path and work environment that is the envy of many. As much or as little excitement on my life as I want. Same with comfort. But I understand the feelings you describe. I share many of them.

I work to pay the bills, where some doing my job would be driven and energised by the opportunities my job brings. I worry a lot too, about things which I can't control like the passage of time, whether I'll have the courage to follow my dreams or what my kids will do when they are older. I worry about dying, or more accurately what would happen to my wife and kids if I weren't here. I worry that I'm not more engaged with life like some of my friends and relatives seem to be.

I worry about why I worry...I want to be the best husband and dad that I can but I'm never sure whether I am doing enough. I have my doubts but I know my family appreciate and love me. I even worry about the fact that I have these doubts when I know that I should not.

So when I read what you posted it gave me something. Just a feeling that I was reading a story written by a person who thinks a little like me or who could understand my feelings (and vice-versa) if we caught up for a beer one day. It gives me hope and that is something I really appreciate. So thank you for that BeanStalk. Take care.

African Cutie said...

lol you guys are funny

Da Pilgrim said...

Hey ya BeamStalk,

I haven't seen many of the blogging guys around for ages, so I thought I would sneak around to see what some of you were up to and I read this post (which you wrote a while ago I admit).
How are you doing these days? I hope things are going well for you.

cheers,

Dan